Chapter 18

As we stepped into my bedroom, I reached for the light switch. Lana walked around me and dropped her purse on my dresser then leveled me with a frown. She hadn’t said anything on the ride home. I’d been forced to carry on a conversation with Sawyer as if nothing had happened, while she sat silently in the back. Apparently, now she was ready to talk.

“I did that for you tonight not because I think what you’re doing is right or wrong but because I think you needed a wake-up call, not a crucifixion.” I raised my eyebrows at her explanation. “Sawyer’s a good guy. He and Beau have always been close. I can remember how thick as thieves you three were as kids. I envied your friendship with those boys. Y’all had something special. Something unique. I couldn’t just stand there and let it all come crumbling down. Besides, from the look on Beau’s face I’m afraid he would have killed Sawyer with his bare hands had Sawyer said the wrong thing.”

I sank down onto my bed and buried my head in my hands. This was a disaster. She was right. I was ruining a lifetime friendship. “What do I do?” I asked, knowing she didn’t have the magical answer either. Lana sat down beside me and patted my back. Which made me feel even worse. Here I was having a breakdown over two guys and she’d been out with me tonight because her cheating father had come to face her obnoxious mother. In the grand scheme of things her problems were much bigger.

“You choose one and let the other one go.”

It sounded incredibly simple yet it was impossible. Didn’t she see that?

“I can’t. Whoever I choose, one of them will hate the other and possibly me. Choosing one of them won’t fix anything.”

“You’re right. It won’t. You need to let them both go. If you let them both go then one day you all will have a chance of finding the friendship this is destroying.”

I hated that her words made sense. I needed to break up with Sawyer and we three all needed to move on. My chest constricted at the thought of walking away from Beau. Of not having his arms around me or burying my face in his chest. But I couldn’t have him. Having him would eventually mean losing him. He’d never get over losing Sawyer. Me, he could live without. A hot tear rolled off my chin and I reached up and wiped it away. I’d made this mess; it was only right I fix it.

“You’re right,” I whispered, staring straight ahead, “but I wish you weren’t.”

A soft knock on the door reminded me of the other issues going on in the house tonight. I reached over and squeezed Lana’s hand before the door opened and her mother stepped inside. Her hair was the same color as mine and my mother’s but that was as far as family resemblance went. Where my mother was thin and petite my aunt was heavy, big boned and wore a permanent scowl. She never seemed happy. Even before she’d caught her husband cheating on her. She hadn’t been here when we got home. Mom and Dad had also been missing. From the sounds coming down the hall everyone was back.

“Hey girls. Um, Lana, sweetheart, let’s go talk a little bit, okay.”

Lana’s hand squeezed mine this time before letting go and standing up. If my aunt would let me I’d go with her and hold her hand through the whole conversation. Lana had ended up being the friend I so desperately needed this past week. My door closed behind them and I laid back on my bed and whispered a little prayer for Lana. God knows she needs it with a mama like hers.

Beau: I’m sorry about tonight. I should have protected you.

He was taking the blame for something that was my fault. I had to find a way to stop this.

Me: You did nothing wrong. This was my decision. This summer I let this happen. I can’t change the way I feel but I can control how I handle things. I’m doing it all wrong.

Beau: What do you mean? What are you going to do?

I wasn’t sure yet. I had to think about that some more. Telling Beau I was breaking up with Sawyer wasn’t the kind of thing I needed to text him.

Me: I don’t know. I’m thinking about things.

I waited, but after a few minutes and no response, I lay the phone down beside me. If I could go back and change it all, would I?

Beau: I love you.

The warmth that flooded me answered my question for me. No. I’d never take back one moment of this summer I’d had with Beau. Closing my eyes, I drifted off to sleep.

I’m growing weary of goodbyes. Lana and her mother stood at our front door with their suitcases in hand. My aunt was headed back home to take my uncle to the cleaner’s in what would be an ugly divorce. Lana had a lot of drama and pain ahead of her. I’d begged her to just stay here with us. She could let her parents battle it out without her around but she said her mother needed her right now. In a way I understood but then I wondered if I had been in Lana’s shoes, would I be so kind? She was really the better person. I was the selfish brat.

“I’m going to miss you,” I said, wishing my voice didn’t sound so forlorn. Strange how you can think someone is ruining your life and they end up being your friend. I’d been so upset over having to share my space and listen to my aunt I hadn’t realized I had a friend right under my nose when I needed one the most. I still needed her.

“I’m going to miss you too. Keep me updated on your . . . life,” she said with a small lift to her eyebrows.

I nodded then leaned in to hug her. “Thank you,” I whispered in her ear.

“You’re welcome,” she whispered back.

“I’m so glad you girls have bonded again after all these years. We’ll have to come back and visit again soon. After I get through the divorce and all. Maybe I can use my extra money to take the two of you on a cruise. Wouldn’t that be fun?” my aunt said. It took all my will power not to recoil at her suggestion. There was no way I was going on a trip with that crazy woman, much less a ship where it was impossible to run away from her. The smirk on Lana’s face had me forcing back a giggle. She knew good and well there was no way I was going on a trip with her mama.

“Alright y’all, we’ll be in touch,” my aunt said brightly and turned to head out to her Lincoln Town Car. I stood watching as my dad helped them load their luggage into the trunk and my mother hugged and talked to her sister. Lana waved at me from the passenger seat. My room would be quiet and all mine again . . . but that no longer sounded appealing.

There are some things you don’t expect to see and Beau Vincent sauntering into the church on a Sunday morning is one of them. Finishing my solo hadn’t been easy. My eyes wanted to eat him up sitting alone on the back pew with his jeans on and a snug-fitting navy-blue polo stretched across his broad chest.

Sawyer hadn’t noticed his cousin, since he was on the second row to the front. I’d been sitting on that row since I was a little girl. My parents expected me either on the first or second pew. I couldn’t go back any further. Sawyer never complained. Every Sunday he was right there waiting on me to finish singing in the choir.

My gaze drifted back to meet Beau’s even though I knew it was a bad idea. He was liable to make me forget the words. A slow, titillating grin touched his lips. The sanctuary suddenly felt a hundred degrees. My face flushed and I tore my eyes off him and his delectable mouth. Somehow I managed to finish the words to How Great Thou Art without messing up. The choir began to exit through the side doors of the stage and I normally just made my way down to my pew. Today, however, I needed a breather. I fell in behind Mary Hill and let out a sigh of relief as I stepped into the warm sunshine.

“You leaving?” Jason Tibbs asked, sticking his pimply face out the door and frowning at me. His dad was the associate pastor so he felt our meager relationship gave him the right to question my actions. Instead of insulting him I took a deep breath then forced a smile and glanced back at him.

“No, my head is hurting. I needed to take a quiet break.”

He grinned, showing way too much gum and flashing his crooked overbite. His dad really needed to send the boy to an orthodontist and a dermatologist.

“Okay, I’ll leave the door unlocked then so you don’t have to walk all the way around the building to get back inside.”

I nodded and said an obligatory ‘thanks’.

The door closed quietly behind him and I knew I had limited time before people started noticing me missing from the second row.

“You hiding out here because of me?”

Beau’s voice startled a gasp out of me. His long legs ate up the grass as he closed the distance between us. I couldn’t keep from ogling him. It was just unfair for someone to look that good in a pair of Levi’s.

“No response means yes,” he said with a smirk on his face as he came to a stop mere inches from me. He knew I was lusting and he liked it. Determined to regain some of my dignity I straightened my posture and flipped my hair back over my shoulders while peering up at him.

“I always come out here to get some fresh air before I go sit down for an hour of preaching,” I lied.

Beau chuckled and reached out to trace a line from my ear to my lips. “Why don’t I believe you?” he asked. His voice had deepened as he studied my mouth. All I could manage was a shrug. His thumb was delicately brushing over my bottom lip as if he were asking for admittance, and I was lost. We were standing right outside the church where anyone could walk out and catch us but all I could think about was pressing my lips against his. Beau was becoming a necessity and nothing about such a revelation could be considered positive.

“Beau, what are you doing?” I croaked out.

“Yeah, Beau, I’d like to know the same thing,” said a voice that didn’t belong to Beau.

Several things happened at once. Beau’s thumb stopped its caressing but he didn’t drop his hand. I could feel his body tense at the sound of Sawyer’s voice. What I should have done and what I did do were in two different stratospheres. Because stepping back and putting distance between Beau and me would be the logical, intelligent thing to do. Reaching out and grabbing his arm and squeezing it was my immediate reaction.

“Are either of you going to speak or just continue gawking at each other?”

The hard edge to Sawyer’s voice woke me up out of the trance I’d been in and I dropped my hand from Beau and took several steps back. If Sawyer was expected to keep his cool then we needed to put some space between the two of us. Beau’s eyes bore into me. He was silently pleading with me. I could almost hear his thoughts. Then he turned to face his cousin. This was the confrontation I’d hoped would never happen.

“What exactly are you insinuating, Sawyer?” Beau asked in a deadly calm tone I knew he’d never used with Sawyer.

“Oh, I don’t know, cuz, maybe the fact I came out here to look for my girlfriend and I found her being mauled by you.”

Beau took a step forward and a low growl rumbled in his chest. I ran up and grabbed his arm with both my hands. This probably didn’t help Sawyer’s temper any but it kept Beau from pummeling his face in. Both boys were in shape but Beau had the market on badass. I couldn’t let him do something he’d never forgive himself for.

Sawyer stared fixedly at me. I could only imagine what was going through his head. The sad thing was I knew he wouldn’t even get close to the truth. Sawyer would never imagine I’d lost my virginity to Beau in the bed of a truck.

“Want to tell me what’s going on, Ash?” There was hurt in his voice. I hated knowing the words I had to say to him wouldn’t erase this but only make it worse. I pushed Beau behind me as I stepped in front.

“Go on home, Beau. Sawyer and I need to talk and I don’t want you here.” Turning back to see Beau’s reaction was tempting but I didn’t do it. Instead I kept my eyes on Sawyer, praying silently that Beau heeded my orders and left. It was time I finished this and saved their friendship before it was too late.

“I don’t want to leave you alone,” he replied with steel laced through his words.

“Beau, please. You aren’t helping matters. Just go.”

Sawyer never took his eyes off me. He was trying so hard to read between the lines. I would have to tell him some truths. But just enough to keep from destroying his relationship with Beau.

The crunch of the dry grass under Beau’s boots told me he’d granted my wish and was headed for his truck. I’d won that battle. Now, the biggest one was staring me in the face and I had no idea what I was going to say.