George Alexandrovich was standing in the doorway of Dr. Badmaev's office. He did not look happy. "Katiya, why did you not wait for me last night? Didn't my father give you his blessing?"
Dr. Badmaev stood up quickly. "Forgive me, Your Imperial Highness, but I must get back to my patients." With a quick bow to the grand duke and an encouraging smile toward me, he withdrew from the room, leaving us alone.
I stared into my teacup, refusing to meet George's eye. "How on earth did you know to find me here?" I asked him.
"The imperial guard has orders to watch your movements, Katiya. They always know where you are."
A sick feeling rose in my stomach. "So you've known about my studies with Dr. Badmaev? And the tsar knows as well?" There truly were no secrets left untouched in St. Petersburg.
He nodded as he sat down in the chair next to me. "I understand what you're trying to do, but it won't work. My illness was caused by dueling with the crown prince at Vorontsov Palace. Blood magic wounded me. Medicine cannot help me."
"But I believe Eastern medicine can," I protested. "Dr. Badmaev is the one who cured the Koldun after I brought him back from the Graylands. Remember how awful he looked? Eastern medicine treats the spirit as well as the body. Please let the Tibetan doctor examine you."
"My parents have expressly forbidden it," he said. "Badmaev is the Dark Court's physician. Besides, the Light Court has all of St. Petersburg's finest trained physicians at hand."
"None of whom can do a thing for you," I said. "I have learned so much from Dr. Badmaev. Not enough to cure you, I know, but I'm certain that soon I'll know what to do to make you better. If the tsar will not allow the Tibetan to treat you, then allow me to help you."
"Marry me, Katiya. That is the best way for you to make me better." He took the teacup out of my hand and set it on the table. Grasping my hands in his, he looked up at me. "Make me a happy man."
He would force me to have this conversation right now. "George, if something were to happen to you and I could have prevented it by continuing my studies, I couldn't live with myself. I love you too much."
"What are you saying?" There was a flash of silver in his eyes.
"If your father will not change his mind about my becoming a doctor," I said, dragging the words out and hating myself for what I said next, "then I cannot marry you."
George's face darkened. "Katiya, the tsar does not change his mind."
"I'm sorry," I whispered, trying very hard not to cry in front of him.
He stood up so abruptly that I thought he was going to break something. Frustrated, he ran his fingers through his hair. "Why must you be so hardheaded?"
"Why must you?" I asked, praying he wouldn't notice the trembling in my voice. "I can't stand by and watch you waste away. Not when there's something I can do to stop it." I stood up and grabbed his arms, pulling on his sleeves. "And what if you died? What if I was tempted to bring you back for selfish reasons? I don't think I could let you go. Or what if I brought you back from the grave accidentally?" I continued as my imagination ran wild with dark thoughts. "Don't you see how horrible that would be? I would damn us both!"
He touched my cheek. "Katiya, I'd rather be damned with you than live a blessed life without you."
I held his hand in both of mine and kissed his knuckles. I did not even bother trying to stop the tears anymore. They were falling too fast. "Georgi, please don't say that. You know you don't mean it."
He looked sad. "I asked you not to give up on me last year. And I believed that you had not. Why now? When our happiness is within reach? Or was I just dreaming?" But he did not wait for me to answer. Instead, he leaned forward and kissed me on the forehead, murmuring, "Goodbye, Katiya," against my skin.
I didn't respond. I stood shaking, dazed and in shock, and watched him leave, listened to his boots echo down the wooden hallway as he left Dr. Badmaev's office. I heard the bells on the door tinkle as he opened it and walked out. Did he truly believe I'd given up on him? On us? Why couldn't he understand that what I was doing was out of love? Had I lost him for good?
Masha returned to pick up the tea things. She hurried across the room as soon as she saw me crying. "Duchess? Are you all right? Duchess?"
I blinked slowly at her, ignoring the tears rolling down my cheeks. "Masha, what have I done?"