“Nah, you can keep reading. I’m enjoying the sound of your voice.”

She sucked her bottom lip in to stifle a smile and that nearly threw me over the edge. I decided that I needed to be with her just a little bit more so I conjured up my lovely football plan.

After the lights shut off at the field, we end up back at my room. I’m surprised how willingly she went with me. I almost backed out a few times on our way there, when my emotions were getting a little too intense for me.

She walks around the small space in between the beds, glancing at my stuff, and picks up a DVD case, reading the back. “You recorded all your games?”

I pull a face as I take my hat off and toss it onto the bed. “No, my dad did. He liked to make me watch it afterward, so he could point out everything I did wrong.”

She sets down the case and turns to me. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry,” I say, raking my fingers through my hair. “For talking about this stuff with you.”

Her eyes fix on me as she inches toward me. “I want you to talk to me about it. I would have never asked you questions if I didn’t want to hear the answers… I can’t just forget what I saw that night. I don’t think I ever will.”

I remember the night she was drunk and how she muttered about a guy doing something to her. “You can tell me stuff too, if you want. I’m a great listener.”

She turns her face toward the window, her chest rising and falling. “You know, I’m surprised at how much warmer it is here than back at home.”

She’s hiding something. I decrease the gap between us and her shoulders tense. I start to open my mouth to press her, but she tilts her head toward me with a strange look on her face, like she’s scared out of her mind. Before I can even register what she’s doing, she leans in and seals her lips to mine. Her body trembles as she grips at the bottom of my shirt, waiting for me to kiss her back.

I wasn’t planning on taking it any further tonight, but the feel of her lips is overwhelming. Without even thinking, my mouth opens and my tongue enters hers, devouring her.

“Oh, my God,” she moans as my hands slide around to her back and I pull her closer, moving my lips deliberately against hers. I’m savoring every inch, every spot, memorizing it.

Suddenly the intense kiss shifts to desperation. I spin us around and back us toward the bed, my feet getting entangled with hers. My hand snaps out to catch us as we fall onto the mattress. Rolling her onto her back, I hold up my weight with my arms, but allow enough closeness that her heat radiates into me and her breasts brush my chest every time she breathes.

I loosen up a little and start to explore her body with my hands, feeling the soft skin of her stomach, her ribs, the bottom of her breast. Before I know what I’m doing, I have my hand underneath her bra again. I stroke my finger across her nipple and she gasps as her legs constrict around my midsection. It feels good—way too good. I need to stop, otherwise it’s going to break apart on me.

I start to revolve to the side, but her body follows mine and her leg hitches around my hip, so my thigh is pressing between her legs. As my fingers dig into her waist, her body bows forward and she rubs herself along my thigh. Her head falls back as her glazed eyes open and she begins to quiver.

Fuck. I’ve never been so turned on before. I begin moving my leg against her and lean forward to grab her lip between my teeth, nipping it softly as I cup her breast with my hand. Clutching onto my shoulders, her entire body shakes with her nerves.

Should I stop? It’s pretty clear she’s never gone this far before and I don’t want to be the one responsible for pushing her where she’s not ready to go.

“Callie,” I say, but her fingers tighten around my shoulder blades, her nails piercing my skin through the fabric of my shirt as she lets out a moan and I know she’s close. I put my hand between her legs and rub her the rest of the way, her body bucking against my hand.

Moments later, she blinks her eyes as her body relaxes. I watch her in complete awe as she works to reclaim control of her thoughts. As she settles down, her whole face sinks and my chest tightens as she stares over my shoulder.

“Hey?” I graze my finger along the small birthmark on the side of her eye. “Are you okay?”

She blinks at me and I can tell she’s trying not to cry. “Yeah, I’m fine.” She squirms out of my arms and starts to climb over me. “Can you just give me a few moments?”

I’m worried. The sadness that washed away from her eyes momentarily has returned and is magnified. “Where are you going?”

“I have to…” She trails off as she stands up and pulls her bra and shirt back into place.

I sit up, reaching for her arm. “Callie, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—”

She throws the door open and runs out without so much as an explanation.

“God, dammit.” I flop down on the bed, dragging my fingers across my face. Usually, I’m the one who bails out of these kinds of situations, which makes me wonder what she’s running from.

Callie

I have no idea what just happened. Well, actually I do. I had my first orgasm, simply by rubbing up against Kayden’s leg and then he finished it off with his hand. It felt so good, my mind could scarcely comprehend anything else, but when it’s over, everything piles on my shoulders like cracked bricks. Suddenly, I see his face instead of Kayden’s.

He’s looking at me with concern as I jump off the bed and race out of the room. Once I’m in the bathroom, I lock the door and collapse onto my knees in front of the toilet. I lift the lid, feeling the pain burn in my stomach. I want it out. So badly. I drop my head down, jab my finger down my throat, and with a sharp shove, I force everything to exit my body. My shoulders jerk as I hack on my finger and the vomit tears at my throat. My eyes water and my nostrils burn as I lean away and take my finger out of my mouth. The tip has a little blood on it and I wipe it off on a piece of toilet paper.

I rest my back against the cold tile wall and my head falls back. Hot tears spill out of my eyes and stream down my cheeks as I smear the vomit and sweat off my face with the sleeve of my shirt, my chest twitching fitfully as I work to breathe.

“I don’t want to be this way,” I whisper as my eyes fill up with tears. “I don’t want to be this way.” I yank at my hair and scream through my teeth, fucking hating the guy who did this to me with every single ounce of strength that I own. “I fucking hate you. I fucking hate you… I fucking…” My cries overwhelm me and I surrender, bawling my eyes and heart out.

I can’t stop thinking about Kayden and the way it felt when he touched me, how good it felt. I want to do it again. I just wish I could stop associating it with that one fucking time. That God damn time I wish I could forget.

I go back to the memory a thousand times, wishing I’d be able to see what was going on beforehand. I really thought he just wanted to give me a birthday present.

I followed him down the hallway so easily and into my room, actually glancing around at my bed and floor, searching for the present.

“Where is it?” I had asked him, turning around.

He was locking the door. Why was he locking the door?

A week goes by and I avoid Kayden at all costs. I ignore his calls, skip out on the one class I have with him, and don’t answer my door when he knocks. I feel bad, but I’m too embarrassed to face him. I assumed after what happened he’d just walk away, but it’s not the case.

At the end of the week, I sneak off to the library when I know he’s in Biology class to find some books for a paper I have to write about depression. The campus is fairly quiet since it’s so close to the holidays. My mom and dad are flying out to Florida to see my grandparents for Thanksgiving, so I’m not going home. I can’t afford the plane ticket to fly there with them, either.

While I’m searching a shelf, my phone buzzes in my pocket. “Hey, I thought you had class,” I answer it.

Seth says, “Shouldn’t I be saying the same thing to you?”

“I’m taking a break today.”

“A break from what, though?” he asks with insinuation.

“Life.” I skim my fingers along the titles, feeling the worn spines of the books. “Besides, I’m using my time to catch up on assignments. By the sound of that music playing in the background, I’m taking it that you’re watching reruns of Pretty Little Liars.”

“Hey, I’m not planning on spending all day in my room,” he argues. “In fact, I’m going to head out right now to see you. Where are you?”

I sigh, standing up straight. “I’m in the library trying to find this damn book on depression. The catalogue said it was in, but it’s totally not on the shelf.”

“What section are you in?”

“I’m in the back corner, near the window that shows the stadium.” I swallow the lump in my throat that forms when I think of Kayden.

“Are you going to be there for a while?” he asks and the television shuts off. “I’m heading out now.”

Standing on my tiptoes, I peer up at the top row of the shelf. “Probably. I’m too short to see the top.”

“Alright, Callie Girl, one knight in shining armor is on his way.” He hangs up and I put my phone into my back pocket.

I search the nearby aisles for a stepstool I’ve seen around a few times. Finally, I give up and go back to the spot. Propping my foot on the second shelf up, I check from left to right and climb up the shelf.

“There it is,” I say and grab the book from the row. I hop down and sense someone move up beside me. When I glance up, suddenly Seth’s little comment about a knight in shining armor makes sense. Kayden is in front of me, wearing jeans and a black hoodie, his brown hair disheveled.

“Hey.” His shoulders are rigid and his voice is tight. “You’ve been avoiding me.”

“Yeah,” I admit, fiddling with the corners of the pages. “I’m sorry about that. There was just some stuff going on.”

“You don’t need to be sorry, Callie.” He rests his arm on one of the shelves and leans his weight against it. “I’d just liked to know what’s going on… Did I… did I push you to do stuff?”

I shake my head. “Nothing about any of this is your fault, I promise. I wanted to… everything that happened, I wanted.”

His shoulders unstiffen. “Then why did you run off?”

“It’s complicated,” I say, staring at the spot on the floor in front of my feet.

He angles his body forward and lowers his face to capture my gaze. “You could talk to me about it. Maybe I can help. I’m pretty good at understanding complicated.”

“It’s not anything that can be helped,” I say. “It’s just something I’ve got to work through.”

He lets out a gradual breath. “I completely understand that.”

“I’m really sorry for freaking out on you. I shouldn’t have just run off or avoided you for the last week. I just didn’t know what to say and felt stupid. I’ll try not to do it again.”