"Good, I've got a present for the little spawn," he said with a smile as he pulled a shirt out of his back pocket. He held it up in front of me and all I could do was shake my head.

"You didn't. Oh my God, Claire is going to kill you," I told him.

I looked down at my watch, realizing that Gavin had been out for quite a while.

"Hey, how long do kids sleep?" I asked.

"You're asking me? How the f**k should I know? When was the last time you checked on him?"

I looked at him blankly.

Shit, I was supposed to check on him? He was asleep. What the hell could happen while he was asleep?

I turned and ran down the hall to Gavin's room with Drew right on my heels.

"Shit! Oh f**king shit."

Gavin's bed was empty, the covers thrown back like he woke up and flung them off.

I charged into the room, looking behind the door, under the bed and in the closet.

"Oh, Jesus. I lost him. I already f**king lost him!" I yelled in panic as I rummaged through his closet and pulled out a stuffed clown from the bottom of the pile.

Didn't that kid from Poltergeist get sucked into his closet by an evil clown? Shit!

"You didn't lose him. It's not like he could have gotten far. There's only one way out of this house and he would have had to walk right past you to get to it."

Drew walked out of the bedroom while I stood there trying not to cry as I choked the f**k out of the stupid clown that took my kid.

Claire was going to hate me. Our son was sucked into the pits of hell while I was watching General Hospital. God damn you, Brenda and Sonny for making me lose focus.

What if he crawled into the ventilation and passed out somewhere in the walls? Oh my God, he could have gotten into the fridge and suffocated. Didn't they tell you to put rope around your fridge? Or wait, that was just when you put it out to the curb, wasn't it?

Fuck! I didn't know anything!

"Carter! I found him!" Drew yelled from down the hall.

I raced out of Gavin's room and down the hall, finding Drew standing in the doorway of the bathroom laughing his ass off.

"What the hell are you laughing about?" I asked angrily as I pushed passed him.

And then I saw it.

Gavin, sitting on the edge of the sink with white shit all over his face.

"Gavin, what did you get all over your face? Is that Mommy's make-up?"

He shook his head.

"Nope, it's this," he said, handing me the empty tube.

I took it from him and looked down. Diaper rash cream. My son put diaper rash cream all over his face. And when I say all over his face, I mean it. Practically every surface was covered, including his lips.

Drew came up behind me and looked over my shoulder.

"Dude, he put ass cream on his face. You do know I'm going to have to start calling your son Ass Face now, right?" Drew laughed.

"Shut up, dicky," Gavin told him.

"You shut up. You're the one with the ass face," Drew retorted.

I got a washcloth out of the linen closet and ran it under the sink.

"Both of you shut it and quit arguing," I told them as I started to scrub the white shit off of Gavin's face. What the f**k do they make this stuff out of, cement? It's like it's been spackled on. And why does this towel smell like mint?

The white goo was starting to come off, but in its place was now blue goo. What the…?

I held up the towel and noticed it was full of whatever this blue stuff was. I brought it up to my nose and smelled it.

"There's toothpaste on this towel," I muttered.

Drew reached into the linen closet to grab me another one.

"Eeeew, what the f**k?" he said, dropping the towel on the ground.

I looked at his hands and they were covered with toothpaste. I walked back to the closet and picked up a few of the towels. Each one was smeared with toothpaste. And stuck way in the back corner of one of the shelves was the empty tube.

I turned back around to face Gavin.

"Why did you put toothpaste all over everything?"

He shrugged. "I don't know."

I managed to find a clean towel at the bottom of the pile on one of the shelves and got Gavin cleaned up. Drew took him to play in his room while I cleaned up the toothpaste and diaper rash cream mess and put all of the minty-fresh towels into the wash. I was walking past the front door after I started the washing machine when Claire walked in.

"Honey, you're home," I said with a smile.

She laughed and came up to me, snaking her arms around my waist.

"Would I sound really girly if I told you how awesome it is to walk in the door and see you here?" she asked.

I kissed the tip of her nose.

"Yeah, you'd totally sound like a needy chick. Just don't start getting clingy otherwise it's going to get really awkward."

She smacked my chest and rolled her eyes at me.

"I'm pretty sure you might like my kind of clingy," she said with a smirk as she brought her hips up against mine. I put my hands on her waist and rubbed her against the hard-on I had since she walked in the door.

"I think you might be right, Miss Morgan," I said, as I leaned forward to kiss her.

"Get your hands off my woman!"

I pulled my lips away from Claire’s and we both laughed at the sound of Gavin's angry rant.

"Gavin, what are you wearing?" Claire asked as she stepped out of my arms and walked over to him.

Drew walked up behind him and smiled.