We went into the house, wordlessly, hearing only the waves crashing nearby, the rustle of blowing sand on the dunes. Javier plucked a bottle of deep red wine from the counter and two wine glasses and led me down the hallway, his hand guiding my back.

I never thought someone’s bedroom could give me heart palpitations, but I suppose I had never met someone like Javier. The lights were off but the room had a soft glow thanks to a few candles on the bedside tables, those giant old ones that had years of wax dripping from the tapers and onto the carved silver holders. Rose petals were scattered on top of the black satin sheets, trailing off onto the floor. In some ways it would have been completely cheesy and straight out of a movie (what, was he going to hold a boombox above his head and stand outside the window?) except for the fact that I saw a red silk blindfold and a long grey tie displayed prominently on the bed.

“Don’t be nervous,” he said, placing the red wine and glasses on the dresser. He took my overnight bag out of my hands and placed it neatly on the floor then he poured us both a glass of wine, while I stood there, my eyes locked to the blindfold and tie, trying to keep my knees from locking together.

“Drink up,” he said, putting the glass in my hand and raising the ruby red liquid to my lips.

I finished off the glass in a few gulps and he quickly refilled it. I finished that one too. He took the glass and placed it on the dresser. “Don’t have too much. You don’t want to cloud your senses.”

I was pretty sure that’s exactly what I wanted.

He stood in front of me and took off his maroon tie, flinging it on the bed so it landed beside the other one. Then he slowly took off his dark grey dress shirt, button by button. His eyes were lit from the candles, dancing in the flames. I felt like it was my cue to start undressing too, so when I found the feeling in my fingers again, I started to lift up my tank top.

“No, angel,” he told me with a slow shaking of his head. He quickly shed his suit jacket and shirt, until he was bare-chested. I spied the name “Maria” tattooed in script on his inner bicep.

He came over to me and put his hands where mine were on the edge of my shirt. “I’ll be undressing you. I’ll be doing everything.”

I swallowed hard, trying to figure out who Maria was while trying to keep my cool. My legs really were shaking now. This was really happening.

“Everything?” I asked, my voice trembling.

He slowly raised my shirt until it was over my head and let it drop casually to the floor. He pressed his chest up against mine while reaching behind with one hand. With a deft maneuver he unclasped my bra and that too fell beneath me.

He sucked in his breath as his hands went to my breasts, slowly squeezing them, feeling their weight in his hands. My nipples were hard instantly and his thumbs began circling them. “Everything,” he whispered, bring his mouth to my ear. His hot tongue came out and did a sweep along the rim, ending at the lobe where he suckled on it, biting lightly. “Everything,” he said again, sending visible shivers down my back.

His hands went to my jeans and undid the button. He pulled down the zipper in a deliberate manner, as if he were unzipping my heart. He tugged at the jeans, pushing them down to my feet where I stepped out of them. He didn’t linger on my scars, didn’t comment, he just took me by the hand and led me over to the bed.

“Lie down, my angel. On your stomach.”

I paused at the foot of the bed while he went to the side table and brought out a box of condoms and a tube of lubricant. I knew the fear was showing in my eyes because he gave me a soothing look, his voice matching it.

“Please, lie down.”

“What are you going to do to me?” I stammered, still not moving.

“Nothing that you’ll fear.” He gestured to the bed, palm open. “Now, please?”

I could see a flash of impatience in his eyes, and instead of using that to run away, I instead did as he asked. I believed I had nothing to fear. I believed I only had something to lose.

I lay down on my stomach beside the ties and the blindfold, completely conscious of how silly—how vulnerable—I must have looked, being buck-ass naked and everything.

Javier’s face lit up at the sight and he quickly undid his pants. As before, he was commando and his erection was large and impossible to take your eyes off of. My heart continued to beat erratically. I didn’t know how I was going to be ready for him. He was going to hurt me without meaning to. I felt the blood rushing between my legs, pulsing eagerly.

He came right beside the bed, his cock pointing my way, throbbing as it waited for me. He reached over and picked up the blindfold and ties.

“I won’t hurt you,” he said, reading my thoughts. “But you can’t just hand over your virginity to me, Eden. I have to take it from you. I have to make you surrender to me, to everything, in every way possible. I want your heart, your soul, and your body. I want the you that you’re hiding deep inside. I must have her.”

Carefully, he slipped the blindfold over my eyes, tying it behind my head.

“Is that okay?” he asked soothingly.

I nodded, even though everything was scarier and more dangerous without my sight, even though I didn’t know if he was asking about the blindfold or whether it was okay if he took everything from me. I opened my eyes but could see nothing but an inky redness. Every pore on my body was suddenly alive and I jumped a little as I felt him gently take my hands behind my back, tying them together with the silky ties.

“Am I supposed to be your submissive?” I found myself mumbling into the pillow, my thoughts going back to some of the disturbing porn I had watched the other day.

He chuckled good-naturedly. “Submissive? I’m sorry to disappoint you my angel, but I don’t run with that crowd. Perhaps you’ll submit to me tonight, but after that, I’ll be the one submitting to you.”

He let go of my hands and I heard the snap of the lube bottle closing. I held my breath, my body poised and waiting to find out where he was going to touch me next. I felt his fingers, wet from the lube, going between my legs. I stiffened, afraid he was going about this completely the wrong way, but his fingers settled on my cleft instead. Was he seriously going to do it like this? I knew doggy-style was popular but not when it came to losing your virginity.

“How does that feel?” he whispered as he trailed kisses down my spine. I didn’t know what to say. Good? It felt better than good. The touch of his lips was magnified by the darkness, the feel of his wet fingers stroking me until it was almost unbearable. But despite how good it felt, I was still scared. I knew it was going to hurt no matter what way he took me, and I only hoped the pain would be short lived. I wanted it to end in the bedroom and not follow me for the years afterward, trailing like a cloud of smoke.

I felt him adjust himself above me, straddling my back. His sac dropped on me for a moment, soft and strangely pleasurable, before I felt the smooth tip of his cock trail the same wet path that his lips had made.

“I’m going to teach you how to fuck me, Eden,” he said, his voice hoarse. He shuffled back until he was sitting just behind my ass. “But first I’m going to show you what it’s like to be fucked.”

He scooped one hand underneath my pubic bone and pulled me up so my ass was higher in the air. With the other hand he inserted a few fingers inside me, plunging them in deep. It made me squirm in the best way possible.

“Are you ready to give me everything?” he asked.

I said yes before I had a chance to take it back.

He thrust himself into me in one smooth go. The pain shattered me from the inside out, blinding me so that the blindfold wasn’t even necessary. I cried out but Javier kept on coming, kept pushing in until the world was stars of sharp agony.

“Your pain is beautiful, Eden,” he said, his breath catching in his throat. “Because it will fade.”

I wished I had sheets to grip. The only thing I could do was squirm. I bit my lip until I tasted blood, and from the wetness between my legs I knew I was bleeding elsewhere.

His pumping slowed and I felt him lean over. He placed his hand underneath my throat, holding it in place. “Don’t breathe from here,” he said as he gripped my windpipe. “Breathe from your lungs. Slowly. Relax. Slowly.” And as he said it, his own thrusts matched the same cadence.

I tried to do as he said, even though he was almost choking me. I brought my breath out from the deepest part of my lungs, and within a minute, I was relaxing. My legs spread wider and I could feel myself opening up. It wasn’t quite pleasurable yet, but the pain was subsiding. I felt tears roll down my cheeks and drip off onto his hand which was still around my neck.

“That’s better, angel,” he said, and he began pressing his hand back, as if to completely cut me off. “Sit up, sit back.”

His other hand went around my ribs and pulled me back until I was upright. He was still behind me, thrusting steadily, groaning into my ear. He kept his hand at my throat, and with the other, started pinching my breasts hard. I fought for breath again until I remembered to work my lungs. I gained control and his hand slid away from my breasts and down my abdomen. He pressed his fingers at my clit and slowly swirled them around. Before I knew it, I was feeling the pressure and the pleasure I’d been waiting for. It radiated out from me and sent waves of warmth all over my body.

“Don’t hold back,” he breathed into my ear. “You’re so damn wet, don’t hold back. I’m not coming before you do. I want to hear my name. Angel, please.” He moaned, his hand tightening, nearly losing himself. His voiced was pleading and his fingers worked faster. His cock pressed full against my inner wall, pressing my clit harder into his fingers.

“Say my name,” he grunted. “Give my cock what it needs. Give me what I need.” He stopped to groan and catch his breath. “Please.”

I couldn’t handle any more of it. I came hard and loud, screaming “Javier” involuntarily as I lost all control of my mind and body. I wasn’t even aware if he had come or not until I was face down on the bed, gasping for breath and clarity as he pulled out of me with another wet burst of pain.

He lay down beside me and slowly removed the silk ties and the blindfold. I expected to open my eyes and be in a whole other world, but we were back in his bedroom, the candles flickering around us. I blinked hard and looked at him. His chest was heavy, beads of sweat forming on his temples, his hair sticking to his face. He reached over and touched my cheek.

“Are you alright?”

I had no idea. I couldn’t even process what happened. It felt like a painful and pleasurable dream, a nightmare with a happy ending.

My mouth was totally dry; I couldn’t even speak.

He quickly kissed my forehead and said, “Lie here. I’ll get you some water.”

He left the bedroom and I lowered my head to the pillow again. I brought my wrist up to my face and looked at it. The ties had been gentle, and aside from a few pins and needles that were running up and down my arms, I was good. My nether regions on the other hand? I was too afraid to even move.