"I can tell you're thinking too much," Avi says, appearing beside me again.

He lies on the ground, his body next to mine. I have to remind myself not to think about Avi and focus on the gun.

"I'm afraid of the recoil."

"You're lying down, so you won't feel so much of it. Line up your target," he tells me.

I line up the paper that seems way too far away for me to hit with a bullet less than the width of my pinky finger. "Done."

He places his fingers over mine. They're strong and soft and I wish my body wouldn't tingle with excitement from him being near me. I'm so afraid that I'll never be able to fully get over him.

"Ready?"

I squeeze my eyes shut and control my breathing. Unfortunately, my pulse is racing. But that's because Avis body is pressed up against mine. His strong hands on mine remind me of the times he touched me intimately. I try and put those thoughts out of my mind as I say, "Ready."

"Exhale. Hold it... " His finger presses on mine and the rifle fires. The recoil definitely pushes my shoulder back, but not as hard or as bad as I feared.

"You okay?"

I pick up my head, now just a few inches away from Avis. "Oh. My. God. That was awesome!

"Just a few minutes ago you said you weren't a gun person."

"I'm not. You know, when they're used for aggression or war. But just shooting a target is so cool."

Avi scratches his temple as if he isn't quite sure how to say what he's about to say. "Umm... I hate to break the news to you, but you didn't actually hit your target. You hit Jessica's. Her bullet went left of her target and ended up in the haystacks."

I lean back and watch as Jessica brags about hitting her target. She analyzes her precision with the range binoculars as if she's a sharpshooter.

"Oh. Maybe this time I shouldn't shut my eyes when I pull the trigger."

"That'd probably help your aim." I can see him trying to hide his laugh with a cough.

Avi watches as I aim again. I control my breathing and shoot.

"Did I hit it?"

He smiles at me. "No. It went low. You overcompen-sated for the recoil too much by lowering the barrel. Try again."

I keep firing until my magazine is empty. I hit the target a bunch of times. I still think guns are dangerous and scary. But in a controlled environment like this, it's not so bad.

After we shoot two more magazines full of live ammunition, and I've finally learned to hit the target consistently, we're taught how to clean and care for our weapon. Because we're just trainees and not real, full-time Israeli soldiers, we have to hand in our magazines. Unless we're on the range, our issued rifles won't be anywhere near live ammo.

"Keep your rifle in your possession at all times unless instructed otherwise," Ronit tells us. "And watch your weapon closely. Liron or I might sneak up on you and take it in the middle of the night. If you don't wake up and we end up with your weapon, you'll have to do pushups come morning. Whether you keep it under your pillow or next to you in bed is up to you."

I grip my Ml6. I feel the smooth barrel and ridged handgrip. Not my first choice in sleeping partners, that's for sure. But since I have to sleep with it, I might as well give it a name.

George II.

"You shoot that rifle like a warrior woman, Amy," Nathan says. "I think Avi has rubbed off on you."

I don't feel like a warrior woman in the evening, after showers and I'm sitting on my bed wondering how I'm going to sleep with George II. The cold, hard black metal with traces of grease doesn't match my pink pillow.

Checking out how the other girls are sleeping with their guns, I notice most of them are placing them under their pillows. If I want a crick in my neck in the morning, putting the rifle under my pillow would be a great idea.

I don't want a sore neck in the morning.

Since I slide my arm under my pillow to sleep every night (it's hereditary; my dad does it, too), I figure George II will be better off if I sleep hugging him. I pull the covers up and lie on my pillow. Pulling George II closer, I hug him tight.

If Avi could see me now, hugging a black rifle tight enough so that Liron or Ronit can't steal it away from me in the middle of the night, he'd probably be proud.

I just wish it was Avi I was hugging instead of a big piece of metal. If only I could hug Avi tight enough so no girl could steal him away from me, I'd be happy.

Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way.

Chapter 20

When your mom told you life isn't fair, she wasn't kidding.

The next day we're off to the obstacle course again. Avi isn't with us, so we're without a team leader. Liron said Sergeant B-S called him into his office, and nobody has seen him since.

Determined to master the monkey bars, I take a deep breath when it's my turn and swing my body from one bar to the next. My team cheers me on... even Tori, who has lost a tiny bit of her edge. We've fallen behind because of me, but when I finish the monkey bars without help and everyone claps for me, I catch a genuine smile on Tori's face as she congratulates me.

We still lose the race to Liron's team, but not by much. I think our team has finally become a cohesive unit, bolstered and strengthened by each other. When we all give high fives to each other, I catch sight of Avi standing next to Sergeant B-S. They both have very serious expressions on their faces.

Avi tells us we did a good job, then pulls me aside.

"If you're gonna tell me I should have gone up that rope by myself, I just couldn't," I tell him. "Next time I'll try. I promise."

"It's not about the rope, Amy."

He's definitely concerned about something. "What's wrong?"

Its your safta.

My grandma? I swallow hard, thinking the worst. She has cancer, but I thought she was doing okay. Was I wrong? "Is...is she okay?" I hardly get the words out because there's a lump in my throat.

"Your father called. She was taken to the hospital last night and he thinks you should go there. Just in case."

"Just in case oduhati"

He shrugs. "I don't know."

"What exactly did he say?"

"Sergeant Ben-Shimon gave me a forty-eight hour leave and use of a car. Come on, we can talk about it on the way."

I say my goodbyes to everyone in my unit. Even though Avi and I are abandoning them, Sergeant B-S says he'll take over as team leader for the next forty-eight hours until Avi comes back. My farewell is filled with tears, because I'm not coming back. And while I hated being here, I loved it too.

It takes me less than a half hour to pack up. Avi accompanies me to the bittan and doesn't leave my side the entire time. In the car, we're finally alone--without military restrictions or rules.

"So what did my dad say?" I ask.

"He said not to panic until they know more. He just wanted you with the family in case it's something serious."

"What if she's dying?"

"Don't start thinking the worst."

"That's like telling my dog Mutt not to smell crotches."

He looks sideways at me as he drives. "Is that why you think the worst of me?"

"You kissed Liron more than once. I didn't make it up."

"I admitted to kissing Liron. When you kissed Nathan, I heard you out and we got past it. Why won't you hear me out?"

I might as well tell him the truth. "Because I'm afraid."

"Of the truth?"

Of course. The truth hurts most of the time. I have a history of pushing people away in an effort to avoid the truth. "Yeah," I tell him. "I'm afraid of the truth. I think of you being attracted to someone else, and I feel sick. And when I visualize you kissing someone else, the pain is just too great. I thought you, of all people, would never disappoint me."

I look out the window, trying to avoid looking right at Avi. Admitting how much his betrayal has affected me makes me vulnerable.

"I've been waiting for some hint that you want to fight for us."

"I'm done fighting," I say.

"I'm not."

"It's an occupational hazard for you. You're a soldier, trained to fight."

"So what do you want, Amy? You want to be enemies? Friends?"

"Friends sounds good. You know, what we are without the dating part. That way, I have no expectations." Maybe Noah has it right... no expectations means you don't get hurt.

Avi takes a deep breath. "If just being friends is what you want, I'll give you that. But when you're ready to fight for more, let me know. Because nothing is as intense as when we're together. Admit it."

"I admit it. But who says intense is best?"

"Me. And you, if you'd just open your eyes long enough to realize we might not be the most perfect couple, but were better together than apart. Truth is, I'm afraid of losing you," he blurts out. "I know this probably isn't the best time to bring it up, but we don't have many chances to be alone. Nathan isn't the one--you know that. Sure, he talks a lot. Each word out of me is a struggle sometimes. But you and I... Amy..." He hesitates, and I can just feel him trying to get the right words out to express his feelings. For a guy who hardly ever talks in public, expressing emotion out loud is harder than shooting a flea a hundred meters away. "We're just right."

The problem is, I don't think my heart can handle another Avi breakup. I'm programmed to be emotional; I can't help it. For better or worse, my attitude and "drama queen-ness" defines who I am. Avi, on the other hand, is emotionally and drama-challenged. And although I came on this boot camp program in order to see him, maybe it was God's way of hinting that we're just too different.

"I'm always going to be afraid a smarter girl or a prettier girl is going to lure you away from me. Listen, I don't blame you for being attracted to Liron. She's beautiful, she can scale walls, climb ropes, and she carries a rifle. If I liked girls, I'd go for her too."

"Just hear me out, okay?"

My resolve is weakening fast. I have the childish urge to cover my ears with my palms and sing la, la, la, la, la, la so I don't hear what happened between Avi and Liron. But I guess I can't hide from the truth forever.

"Okay, Avi. Tell me why you kissed Liron."

Chapter 21

Sometimes the truth hurts... but you can't let it consume your life.

Everyone can take lessons in life from the Israelis.

We're driving north toward Tiberias. Every time I look out the window, I see Israelis doing the same things we do back home. I see kids playing on playgrounds, teens playing soccer, and people eating at restaurants. I wonder why Israelis don't act like they're living in a war zone. How can they be so strong-willed? How can they know the truth --that some of the countries surrounding them would like nothing better than to destroy their country--and still live carefree lives?

I brace myself for the truth of what happened between Avi and Liron. Listen, I'm half Israeli myself. I can act like an Israeli and tackle any obstacle that comes my way. At least I think I can.

"Now probably isn't the best time to talk about it, with your safia in the hospital, but we might not get another chance."

"At least it'll get my mind off of wondering what's wrong with her. Go ahead, Avi. I need to know."

"Survival training was a total mind game," he tells me. "Lack of sleep, being blindfolded and finding out what it was like to be captured by terrorists, watching actual footage of Jews being brutally murdered just because they were Jewish or Israeli. Some of the bodies were so mutilated you wondered if they were killed by humans or beasts. You question your faith in God, because why would He let those things happen? You end up puking your guts out. You get so sad that every guy, no matter how tough, breaks down and cries like a baby. Then anger and a craving for revenge replaces the sorrow. Fury seeps from every pore of your body. I was so exhausted there were times I had no clue if my thoughts were my own, and at times I was so enraged I wanted to rush out and kill every terrorist single-handedly."