There were ways of resenting the world that she had never known before, never sensed, and she would never have believed anyone’s claim to their veracity. She cursed the stretch of grassland. She cursed the pointless immensity of the sky overhead, its painless blue of daytime and its cruel indifference at night. The wind’s ceaseless moaning filled her head like the distant wailing of a thousand children, and every harsh breath bit at her eyes.
With the coming of dusk she would sit huddled with the others, and the fire they made would mock with every tongue of flame. And she would hear the witch’s laughter, and then her terrible screams which now came to Feren and sank in, stealing her satisfaction, her pleasure at what her brother had done. Instead, that sound of pain haunted her, leaving her feeling belittled and shamed.
The easy camaraderie among the Borderswords was gone. Her brother would sit with bruised eyes that caught the reflection of the fire, and she remembered the cry of anguish that had been torn from him when she had held on to his rigid body. She could not imagine what he had taken from her in that moment, to give him the strength to strike back at the witch. For the scar she now bore. For the murder of an innocent man. She had no courage to match his, and if he would now ride for home, she would ride with him and voice no objection.
She told herself that Rint was as he had once been: the brother who would always be there, protecting her from the world and its cruel turns. But the truth was that she doubted her own convictions, and for all of her gestures, her willingness to follow Rint, she felt herself falling behind him. She was a child again, and that was no place to be, with what she carried in her womb. Somewhere, in this vast landscape, the woman that she had been — strong, resolute — now wandered lost. Without that woman, Feren felt bereft and weak beyond measure, even as her brother seemed to be rushing towards an unknown but terrible fate.
She’d had no final parting words for Arathan, and this too shamed her. Few would not scorn the notion of an innocent father. After all, the guilt was in the conception, the act of wilful surrender. But she saw him as innocent. The knowledge and the wilfulness had belonged solely to her, and she suspected that she would have seduced him even without his father’s command.
The sky was deepening its hue, remote in its unchanging laws, its crawling progression that looked down with blind eyes and gave no thought to wounded souls and their hopeless longing for peace. If self-pity was a depthless pool then she skirted its muddy, slippery bank on hands and knees, round and round. Awareness made no difference. Knowledge was useless. She held innocence in her womb and felt like a thief.
Ville spoke. ‘A cairn it shall be, then. You two are not the only ones longing for home.’
She saw her brother nod, but he said nothing, and she felt the silence that followed Ville’s words harden about them all. Submission without a word of thanks made plain the surrender, and that could only sting. Rifts were forming and widening and soon, she knew, they would not be able to cross them. She shook herself, straightening in the saddle. ‘Thank you both,’ she said. ‘We are in a broken place, my brother and me. Even Rint’s vengeance stretches too far behind us, while poor Raskan draws so close we might as well be carrying him on our backs.’
Ville’s eyes were wide when she glanced at him.
Galak cleared his throat and spat to one side. ‘That’s a taste I am well rid of. My thanks, Feren.’
Abruptly, Rint shuddered, sobbed, and began weeping.
They all reined in. ‘That’s it for today,’ Feren said, her voice harsh. She slipped down from the saddle and went over to help her brother dismount. He had curled in around his torment and it was a struggle to get him down from his horse. Both Ville and Galak arrived to help.
Rint sank to the ground. He kept shaking his head, even as sobs racked him. Feren gestured Ville and Galak away and then held her brother tight. ‘We’re a useless pair,’ she muttered softly to Rint. ‘Let’s blame our parents and be done with it.’
A final sob broke, ended in a ragged laugh.
They stayed clenched together, and he stilled in her arms.
‘I hate him,’ he said with sudden vehemence.
Feren glanced over at Ville and Galak. They stood over their packs, staring, frozen by Rint’s words.
‘Who?’ she asked. ‘Who do you hate, Rint?’
‘Draconus. For what he’s done to us. For this cursed journey!’
‘He is behind us now,’ she said. ‘We are going home, Rint.’
But he shook his head, pulling himself loose from her arms and rising to his feet. ‘It’s not enough, Feren. He will return. He will take his place at Mother Dark’s side. This user of children, this abuser of love. Evil is at its boldest when it walks an unerring path.’