My phone, face down on the table, started to ring. My imagination went wild with the hopes that maybe it was Connor. I picked it up and looked at it. It was Dr. Taub’s number.

“Hello,” I answered.

“Ellery, its Dr. Taub, I’m glad you called. I want you to come in for some blood work tomorrow morning. After I get the results, we will go ahead and schedule the Chemotherapy. I’m happy you changed your mind.”

I wanted to throw the phone at the wall because I wasn’t looking forward to going through that again.

“Me too Dr. Taub, I’ll see you tomorrow.” I sighed and took a sip of my latte.

When I got home later that day, Peyton had told me that Henry was taking her somewhere special for dinner. I was truly happy for her that someone was worthy of her heart, even if my own was shattered beyond repair.

“Guess what else?” she jumped up and down. Henry asked me to fly to Colorado tomorrow to meet his parents.”

I looked at her, put on my happy face and jumped up and down with her. I didn’t want to ruin her trip by telling her I was going to be starting chemo soon, so I didn’t tell her about the phone call from Dr. Taub.

“Are you going to be alright sweetie?” she pouted.

I waved my hand in front of my face and walked over to the sink, “I’ll be fine. I’m going to lose myself in my paintings, so don’t worry about me.”

She hugged me tight. “Ok I have to go home and pack. We’ll be gone 2 weeks, so if you need anything or you just want to talk, you better call me Ellery Rose Lane. Do you understand me?” She grabbed her coat and opened the door.

“Peyton,” I called.

“Yeah,” she turned and looked at me.

“I’m really happy for you; go have fun and keep in touch,” I spoke with a fake happiness.

“Thanks Elle, I will, I love you,” she yelled as she shut the door.

It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy for her; I was. I was just feeling sorry for myself because I screwed things up with Connor. How could I be so stupid? What the hell was I thinking? I knew what I had to do and the first step was to apologize to him.

I called a cab and stepped out into the brisk night air. I had the cab driver drop me off at the soup kitchen; I wanted to volunteer one last time before I started chemo. Once I start, I can’t be around groups of people, especially the homeless with their colds and illnesses. I volunteered for a couple of hours and told Julius what was going on.

“Oh Elle, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be Julius, I’ve been through it before and beat it, and I can do it again.”

He high fived me, “That’s my girl. I know you will and if you need anything, anything at all, you call me or anyone here, and we’ll be by your side in a flash.”

“Thanks Julius, I will and tell your wife I said hi.” He flashed me a smile and nodded his head.

I walked to the next block to a tattoo parlor where my friend Jack works. “Why if it isn’t Ellery Lane; good to see you sweetheart,” Jack said as he walked over and bear hugged me. “I haven’t seen you in a while, how’s Pey?”

“Hey Jack, she’s good.”

He stared at me and twisted his face, “What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours? Are you thinking about a tat Elle?”

I bit down on my bottom lip, “Yep, I sure am.”

“Come sit over here. Let me finish her up, and then you’re next,” he winked.

The girl sitting in the chair was getting a tattoo of angel wings on her left shoulder, with the inscription, “Forever Yours.” I looked at her, “Nice tattoo?”

She smiled over at me, “Thanks, it’s for my boyfriend. Tomorrow is his birthday, and this is my way of letting him know I’m forever his and no one else can have me.”

I looked into her eighteen year old eyes, “Wow, forever huh?”

She giggled, “Yeah, he said that we’ll be together forever.”

Jack looked at me and rolled his eyes. I had to keep myself from laughing. He finished her tattoo and gestured for me to sit in the chair. “What do you want and where do you want it, Elle?”

I held out both my wrists. I pointed to my left scar; “I want CONNOR on this one and the Infinity symbol on this one,” I pointed to my right. “Make sure the scars are totally covered.”

Jack looked at me and frowned, “Who’s Connor?”

“It’s a long story,” I shook my head.

“It’s going to hurt Elle, you realize that right?”

“I know it is Jack, let’s just get it over with.” Nothing could hurt me as bad as I was already hurting.

Chapter 25

Jack was a great guy. He was one of those guys that had tattoos covering every inch of both arms, down his chest and back. He was an artist like me, and he proudly displayed his work. His black eyes matched his long dark hair which he frequently wore back in a ponytail. He started with Connors name on my left wrist. The sting was bearable. Don’t get me wrong, it felt like a thousand tiny pins were being poked in me, but I’ve been through much worse. After a couple of hours, Jack was finally finished. I looked at my wrists and smiled.

“The redness will go away in a few days, just make sure you keep moisturizer on them so it won’t itch as bad.

“Thank you Jack, they’re beautiful.”

“Do you have a ride home?” he asked.

“I’m going to call a cab.”

He looked at the clock. “It’s midnight; I’ll have Donny close up and I’ll take you home.”

I smiled, “It's ok Jack, really, I’ll just call a cab.”

He grabbed his coat, yelled for Donny to close up and told me to get in his car.

“If I’m not mistaken you live by my girlfriend, and I’m heading that way anyway; it’s no problem.”

I walked into my apartment, and first thing I did was grab my laptop, change into my pajamas, climbed in bed and opened my email. The first step in getting on with my life was apologizing to Connor, and I owed him a big one. I hit the compose button as a blank page came up:

Dear Connor:

I hope you’re reading this and didn’t delete it before you opened it when you saw my name. If you are, then you’ll see this is my heartfelt apology to you. Words cannot explain how sorry I am for not telling you about my illness from the start. I never meant for us to get as close as we did for that very reason. The night I took you home I had every intention of leaving and never looking back; if I had, we wouldn’t have met and you wouldn’t be hurting right now. I will never forgive myself for not telling you the truth. I believe in fate, and it was fate that brought us together. I told you I was saved for a reason, and I think it was to save you. You have a beautiful heart and soul, and you don’t deserve to never love someone. You will never know what you’ve done for me and how you’ve changed my life. I never would have experienced love the way I have with you, because what you showed me, and how you made me feel, was a first for me in my lifetime. I never loved Kyle. I was with him because he was there and I was afraid of being alone. It is what my whole life was made of, loneliness. My decision not to get treatment at the time was out of pure selfishness on my part, and I’ve come to understand that now. I want to thank you for your love and kindness. If I had one last breath left, I would use it to tell you how much I love you, because I do and I always will. Love forever, Ellery.

Tears filled my eyes as I hit send. I took in a deep breath, closed my laptop and fell asleep.

I threw on a pair of leggings, my pale pink long sweater and my black boots. I put some curls in my long hair and applied some makeup for the first time since Michigan. I opened my laptop and checked my email, nothing. I didn’t expect there to be any reply from him, but one could hope.

I called a cab and headed to Dr. Taub’s office for blood work. I examined my wrists and smiled at the beauty of Connors name and the infinity symbol. I entered the office building and took the elevator up to the fourth floor.

“Hi, I’m Ellery Lane, and I’m here for some blood work,” I said to the young girl behind the desk.

“Yes, I have your file right here, I just need to copy of your ID.” I dug through my purse and retrieved my driver’s license and handed it to her. She took notice of my wrist with Connors name.

“Oh my god, that is awesome,” she said.

I smiled and thanked her as I showed her my other wrist. The scars were barely noticeable, and for people who didn’t know, they wouldn’t see them. The nurse called my name and took me back to the drawing station. She asked me if I was nervous about needles and I laughed.

“I’ve been through chemo before, so giving blood is nothing.”

She managed to force a smile; I don’t think she thought that was too funny. She drew 3 vials of blood and told me to have a good day.

I left the medical building and decided to walk around for a while before calling a cab and heading home. I walked a few blocks doing some window shopping when a text came from Peyton,

“Hey girl, on the plane, headed to Colorado, tell me you’re doing ok.”

I smiled and replied as I walked down the street. Unaware of my surroundings, because I was too engrossed in texting my best friend, I collided into someone.

“Oh shit, I’m so sor…” I started to say as I looked up at the man I just ran into head on. I took in a sharp breath and looked down, “Connor, I’m sorry I didn’t mean…” I couldn’t even look him in the eyes; I was so ashamed. My heart started pounding so hard it felt like it was going to jump out of my chest.

He stood there staring at me, “No, it’s my fault I should have been paying more attention.”

We stood there in front of each other, awkwardly, with his hand lightly touching my arm. I pulled away; the pain was too strong and I felt my throat closing up.

“I have to go,” I mumbled as I turned the corner and didn’t look back. I reached an alley way between buildings and I stood with my back against the brick trying to catch my breath. All the emotions I tried to force away came flooding back and bruising what was left of my soul.

I ended up walking home which was about 10 blocks from where I was. I didn’t care; I needed to try to clear my head. I walked through the door, panting and completely exhausted. I made a pot of coffee, and as it brewed, I sat down in front of my easel and continued my painting of the wedding in Central Park. I wanted to get at least 2 more paintings finished before I started chemo. I was up till 2am, and it was finally finished. I painted it with the vision of how I would want my wedding to be; just a delusional thought from my head. I took my brushes over to the sink and let them soak as I went to bed. Tomorrow, I would paint a new picture.

Morning had come and gone. I was woken up by my cell phone ringing, “Hello,” I sleepily answered.

“Ellery, it’s Dr. Taub. Your blood results came back, and I’m a little concerned about your hemoglobin level. It’s a little low, but I’m going to go ahead and start chemotherapy anyway. I’m going to schedule your first treatment one week from today, but first I’m going to prescribe you some iron pills I want you to start taking immediately.”