Grace’s body shook as she sobbed and asked, “What did I do wrong?”
At this point, the doctor had removed the wand and was motioning for me to help Grace sit up. Doing so, I helped her sit up as she stared at the screen and repeated. “What did I do wrong?”
“Grace, you didn’t do anything wrong. This unfortunately is not an uncommon thing to see. This is nature’s way of saying something was wrong with the fetus.”
Grace wrapped her arms around her waist and looked up at me. “Noah. We didn’t even get to see him alive. I didn’t even know he was there!”
Pulling Grace into my arms, I held her as Dr. Johnson said, “Let me step outside for a few minutes. I’ll be back in to go over some things with y’all.”
Nodding my head, I turned and pressed my lips on the top of Grace’s head. Her body was beginning to shake violently as she lost all control and started crying harder.
“Our baby. Noah, our baby.”
Squeezing my eyes shut, I wanted to cry. I wanted to join Grace and fall apart at the news of our child passing away but I knew I had to be here for Grace.
I slowly rocked Grace as I said, “I know, sweetheart, I know.”
Grace cried for a good ten minutes before she finally lifted her face from my chest. Cupping her face within my hands, I wiped her tear soaked face with my thumbs. Our eyes locked and I wanted to let out a scream. The hurt I saw in them about killed me.
A small knock and then the door opening, revealed Dr. Johnson again. “Grace, Noah, we need to talk about what happens next. “Grace, your body still thinks you’re pregnant. We have two options. You can leave today, and wait for your body to expel the baby naturally.”
Grace’s eyes widened. “H-how l-long would that be?” She asked as she barely spoke between her small sobs.
Shaking his head, Dr. Johnson said, “It could be tomorrow or three weeks from now.”
“You mean she’d have to carry him around for a few weeks knowing . . . knowing . . .” I couldn’t even finish my sentence for fear I would break down.
Dr. Johnson nodded slowly at me before looking back at Grace. “Or, we do a surgical procedure where we removed the deceased fetus.”
“Baby. Please don’t call him a fetus.”
Resting his hand on Grace’s, Dr. Johnson gave her a weak smile. “If we do the surgical procedure, you’ll have to stay overnight, but there will be less bleeding.”
Grace wiped her tears away and said, “I can’t carry him knowing he isn’t really there. I don’t think I can do that.” Looking at me, her eyes pleaded with me. Almost as if she thought I wanted her to carry the baby.
Leaning over, I kissed her forehead. Pulling back, I turned to Dr. Johnson. “What do we need to do next for the surgery?”
I could see the agony on his face. As if each and every time he had to do this, it destroyed a small piece of him as well.
Sitting there, I felt numb as Dr. Johnson explained what would happen next. All I could hear was Grace sniffling. Even now, she tried to stay strong when I knew all she wanted to do was fall apart.
The nurse walked into the room and said they had already begun the process of admitting her as they brought a wheelchair in to bring Grace up to her room.
Once we got to our room, Grace stared out the window as I sat next to her. My heart ached as I fought for the words I wanted to say. There wasn’t a damn thing I could say to make her feel better. Nothing I could do to take away her pain.
Standing, I walked around to the other side of the bed. Grace’s eyes moved slowly up my body before they locked onto mine. “I can’t think of one damn thing to say right now, Grace, other than I love you. I love you so much.”
A tear rolled down her cheek as she gave me a slight smile. “I love you too, Noah and that’s all I need to hear.”
The door opened as Grace and I both turned to see two nurses walking in.
It was time.
Just when we found out we were having a child, he was taken away from us. We’d never know if it was a boy or a girl. Would she have had Grace’s beautiful eyes?
I fought to find air to breathe. Grace squeezed my hands. “I’m thinking the same things you are,” she whispered.
Before they went through the doors that lead to the surgery rooms, I leaned over and kissed her. “I’ll be here when you get out.”
Smiling, Grace pressed her lips together and nodded. “You and me?”
A lump formed in my throat as I forced the words out. “You and me.”
The moment they took Grace back and the doors closed, I turned on my heels and practically ran through the hospital to get outside. The fresh air hit me like a brick wall as I leaned over and cried out, “Why? Why God, why Grace?”