I closed my eyes. Listen to my body, he said. Which implied he knew not only that I was pregnant but that the child was his.
So he’d saved what was rare and precious in his world. Not me. Never me.
“Damn it, Risa, that’s not—”
“Isn’t it?” I cut in and scrubbed a hand across suddenly aching eyes. I wouldn’t cry. I wouldn’t. “I listened to my heart, Azriel. I let you in. And you repaid that trust by taking away everything from me—”
“I haven’t—”
“You took my future, Azriel! When I die, I won’t move on. I won’t be reborn.” Wouldn’t ever meet Mom again. “How can you stand there and say you haven’t taken everything away?”
He didn’t say anything. Didn’t deny anything.
I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against the windowpane. “I can’t do this anymore, Azriel.”
“Do what?”
Just for a moment, I swear there was fear in his voice. But that had to be imagination. Reapers didn’t do fear. Didn’t do emotions. Not the way I wanted emotions, anyway.
“You. Me. I can’t do it. I don’t want you near me. I don’t want you in my life. I don’t want you following me around anymore.”
“Risa, that’s not possible without—”
I swung around, my fists clenched against the sudden explosion of anger. “I don’t care what is or isn’t possible. I just want you out of my life!”
He stared at me for several minutes, his expression stony. Not even Valdis was emoting. “If you take this step, if you force me to go, I may not be allowed to come back.”
“And I should be sad about that?” I spit out. “Besides, it’s not like you won’t know what’s going on. Not with the chi link—”
“That link was cut when you stepped onto death’s plane.”
“So why are you still able to read all my thoughts and emotions?”
“Why do you think I can, Risa?”
“Goddamn it,” I said, my voice rising again. “If I knew, I wouldn’t be asking!”
“Wouldn’t you?” he said, bitterness edging his tones.
Leaving me none the wiser. But then, nothing was ever easy, nothing was ever straight, when it came to my reaper.
“No more, Azriel. I just—” I shrugged. “I can’t. I won’t.”
He made a short, sharp motion with his hand. “So be it, then.”
He winked out of sight, and I closed my eyes against the instinctive need to call him back and tell him I didn’t mean it, that it was just anger and fear talking.
But I didn’t.
Because it wasn’t. Not entirely.
One thing, he said, his mind voice cool and distant as it flowed through my thoughts. Rephael.
What?
It is my name. If you ever need me, for whatever reason, say it. Wherever I am, whatever I am doing, I will hear.
And with that, he was gone, leaving me wondering if I’d just made the biggest goddamn mistake of my entire life.
Fuck it, no!
I would stand on my own feet and get on with whatever life I had left. I would sort out the mess that was the keys and Hunter and the Raziq the best I could, and I would goddamn survive in the process.
But the very first thing I needed to do was get drunk. Absolutely, mind-numbingly drunk.
Because before I could do anything else, the first thing I needed to do was forget.
If only for a day or so.